Light Beams

Today is New Years Eve. It's been a long, long year. Stress does not suit me well.
Mom's doing ok. She's growing back her hair. A couple nails are ready to fall off from the herceptin injections, and her heart output is lower. I guess unless it gets lower than 50%, it's ok. Still makes me nervous.
2010 better be better. I can't take this anymore. I love her and want to keep her around for a long time comin'.

I don't really write on here that much because the stressful part of all this is pretty much done. I still worry about re-occurrence, but I can't focus on that solely. Mom's hair is getting "longer" by the day it seems. It's still VERY short, but there's finally something to brush through! It's much softer to use my toddler son's brush so I let her borrow it. Her scalp needs stimulating, but it's still sensitive. These days she doesn't walk around with her head covered. She's feeling better about herself, I guess. We're going to have company soon and I doubt she's going to wander around here without at least something on. The herceptin shots still give her a "down" day, but she's managing. They changed the chemistry of it so let's hope it's still effective!

There's been a lot to be thankful for this year. Most of all, having mom here with us.
Her hair is slowly growing back and it's almost 1/2 an inch. It's coming back very dark.
Funny thing - my son is 18 months old and has had gramma in the house since he was 3 weeks old. Gramma always has had hair. Recently she's been having tons of different kinds of hats on her head instead. I think he's getting used to Gramma wearing stuff on her head or her head changing colors because the other day Gramma walked out into the living room where he was with nothing on her head. (She usually tries to cover up for his sake - not to "scare" him.) He didn't even notice. That made a huge statement to Gramma - you are NOT your hair.

We had the celebration party for mom! What a neat time for her. She didn't think it was such a big thing at first, but then when everyone else kept saying what a huge deal it was, I think she finally admitted that she HAD done a big thing! Here are some pictures to show the day!

Friday (Tomorrow) is her last day of radiation! HURRAY! We're baking her a cake and hanging a "Congratulations" banner in front of the house! She is trying to "downplay" it, but it IS a huge deal! She gets to ring a bell in celebration right there in the hospital... that's cool. I'm going to try to get a picture of it. :)

Mom's well into the count down. I don't know how many days left - I think only 6.
Anyway, as of Thursday, they changed the direction of the radiation rays. This time they go right into her surgical site where the cancer was. She says it doesn't hurt when they do it, but about 2-4 hours later it feels like someone is ripping her insides out. She told them and they were pleased because that's "how it's supposed to feel". Oh great, then YOU do it.
Anyway, we're really going to have something to be thankful for this year at Thanksgiving time. She's still got to do the herceptin shots once every three weeks, and then be wary for 4 more years after that, but it's changed us - in a good way. We appreciate each other more every day. The acute stress of her going through all this has subsided somewhat, but I still wish she didn't have to deal with it at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she found it and caught it early, but why did she have to get it at all? Questions to ask God I guess.

She's only got 12 radiation sessions left. She's tired of it. I'm tired of it.
She said she used to be angry, but now she's just tired of going to the hospital every day.
I've been going with her most days and I'm tired too.
I tried to put myself in her position. I mean, really put myself in her shoes. It's one thing to go there every day and be able to wander about and do what I want to do, but if I had to have some procedure or undress everyday, I think I'd be very angry.
Anyway, she is almost finished and we should have a huge party!
She'll still have the shots to do once every three weeks, but she'll not have to go to the hospital every single stinking day!

Mom's almost to the half way mark for radiation. She's so tired of it. Also, the marker they use and the cream she uses stains her shirts. Yuck.
Anyway, I went with her yesterday and got to see the huge machine. I didn't take a picture of the machine (darn it) but I did of the entrance and thick door. Those guys in there look so young! I mean, ew, she's got to bare her breasts and they get to draw on it and then zap it. Oh the joy. I don't know that I'd be comfortable with a girl either, but still...
So, we're looking forward to the day this is all over and all she has is the fading memories.

So when mom went to the support group, apparently she met a woman there who had the same thing and is going through the same treatment at the same stage right now. I met her last night and, for some reason, it felt "good" to see someone else in the same condition as mom. I mean, I guess it's not good that either person had it, but it was good to see that mom is "normal". It kind of seems, at times, like she's the only one going through it. After all, that's all *I* see anyway. But when I saw this lady she was wearing a wig, looked tired, but still had a smile on her face and talked about regular things. I know, this all sounds so silly... I'm just glad mom doesn't look worse than that lady. They look good for what they've had to deal with. Finally, mom can talk to someone about things. Hopefully anyway.

Mom and her hubby went to a support group last night. They wore shirts that the hospital gave them. Mom's said, "Survivor" and his said, "Caretaker". Pretty cool that they wore them. Anyway, when she left, she was kind of nervous, however, when she came back, she was better. I think only because it was over. When I asked her what it was like, she said that all that they had time for was everyone to go around the room and introduce themselves and tell what kind of cancer they had. So, she really didn't get much out of it as far as she can tell. I'm glad she went anyway though.

Mom got her first herceptin (or however you spell it) injection today. Now she feels like crap. AND the doctor only gave her 1/3 the dose of normal. This is going to be a LONG year... It's also made her feel pretty down. She's not admitting it, but she's not her usual self today.

Mom's hair is about 1/4 of an inch long now. I hope the itching has subsided since last week.
Her hair is still hard to see because it's such a light color, but It's coming in finally! I think it will be quite a while before she really has to use a comb! lol

Well, she started radiation two days ago. I'm just a little worried about how it will affect her heart. She got a little embarrassed when the "kids" in the radiation room didn't even give her a gown. But, I guess she got over the blushing.
She's in the "mad" stage right now. She is mad that she has to do all this, deal with the hospital, experience all this, etc. It's not fair as far as any one is concerned.
She's got a great outlook even though she's "mad" still. I think by being this way it is driving her on...
I'm so thankful to her for dealing with all this instead of giving up.

She got back from IL and was tired. However, it was the "normal" tired from a trip. But today, she seems so much better! I don't know if you can get "jet lag" if you DRIVE long distances, but it seems like that's what she had. Anyway, she's functioning so much better. Whew!

On another note, the little patches of dark stubble where her hair used to be, but didn't fall out completely before... finally has come out. Now she's very, um, cue-ballish! lol Except for the fact that she's getting peach fuzz all over her head and it looks brown again, but maybe a little lighter.

I won't go totally into details, but she's reported that "other" places that she lost hair is starting to grow back and driving her nuts with the itching! Ok mom, thanks for the overshare! lol

I think she is glad she went, however, she says she wants to come back very soon. Something about it's "different" there now. Well, whatever the case, I'd feel better if she was closer to medical assistance if she needed it. They're going to visit his brother a few hours away and then go to their friends a few hours away from that. They're bigger cities, so most likely better facilities. You know... just in case. Call me a worrier!

Last Monday she had her final chemo treatment. Tuesday she was ok, but felt a little tired and strange. Well, Wednesdays are her "bad" days where she tends to be "urpy" and spends all day in bed. Well, instead of that, she got up, bopped around the house, finished her packing for her trip, and she and her hubby left a few hours later. I don't understand that. She knew she was going to try to go on Thursday or Friday or whatever day she finally felt better, but whoa! It's like she didn't have chemo on Monday. She even drove for a little while and THAT's pretty amazing too. So, then I thought to myself, "Aw, it's just a delayed reaction and Thursday is gonna be bad and they'll be stuck in some motel somewhere for a day." Uh, nope. They finally got to their destination in Illinois all the way from Texas. I don't quite know what to think. I'm so glad she felt better. What was it? Mind over matter? A bad batch of chemo drugs? Did the chemo drugs work or is it going to come back because it didn't work on the final dose? I dunno. I should be positive... Must try harder...

She wants to get a sports car. I think that's great! I don't think it has to do with her current condition, I think she just realizes that she deserves it!
On another note, she had a "tired" day yesterday. Don't know why, but resting helps. Again though, she has a tummy ache because of constipation. I think she needs to get to see a doc about that too. That would make her feel so much better too.
We went out last night to dinner. She's not shy at all about not having hair and having to wear a hat or scarf. I love that about her!!!

This time she was really sick for one day and just feeling yucky the second day. Kind of a bummer that she didn't bounce back like the last time, but at least she only has one infusion left. She's running around the house happy and perky today! Even watched a football game last night! Why that would make a person feel better, I have no idea... lol

I can't hardly wait until she's done with these chemo infusions. The docs say she's doing alright. I just get worried sometimes. She only has one more, but she's gonna try to go on a trip two or three days after the last one. Let's hope she doesn't have a worse reaction.
When someone's that out of it, it's hard to think. I know that from when I'm sick. Anyway, I've been feeding her the pills on the right schedule and bringing her juice, water, food, and whatever else she needs/wants. I'm glad I'm not in another state (like I was a year and a half ago) because then I couldn't help her. Plus, this way I can REALLY see what's going on and not wonder if I'm getting the whole story. I KNOW I'm getting the whole, raw story... I'm living it.

Mom is being so sweet. We really don't mind if she walks around with no "hair" on her head, but she keeps it covered so she doesn't "scare" the kiddo, she says. He doesn't really know the difference, but that's sweet anyway. The other day he was taking a bath in her bathroom and he saw the styrofoam head with the wig on it. I was just wondering what he thought of that.
Today mom is sick from her third treatment. I'm trying to take care of her, but pretty much she just needs to sleep. I get her pills for her and some food if she can eat it. I opened her window for the first time in a long time. It's been so hot that I haven't even considered it. Made the room smell wonderful and she enjoyed the sounds of the birds.
Tomorrow will be a better day. We all miss her when she's sleeping it off...

I probably should have posted this first, but I was just so upset about the rescheduling thing. Anyway, yesterday we went shopping. Since we're still kind of new to Texas, we are discovering things all the time. Now, to some, going to a fabric store may not be such an exciting trip, but for mom, those places are fun. I kind of like them too. When I was a child, mom used to spend what seemed like hours in this one particular cloth store. I would play amongst the material, mess with the buttons, dream about being those people in the pattern books, and whatever I could to keep myself occupied. Funny thing is, 30 years later, the store was gone and in its place was a church. One of those store front things that looks boring on the front, but really nice on the inside. Well, I started attending there and it was strange at times to think of how many hours I was VOLUNTARILY spending in that building! AND to top it off, I was married in that very place! To think, mom took me to my future place I was going to be married to the man of my life. I should have been looking at wedding dresses all those hours!
Anyway, mom and the rest of us had such a fun time just hanging out together. I love those times...

Mom has her chemo every two weeks on Monday. She called this morning to verify and they couldn't find her appointment. Grrrrr. Finally after an hour and a half of waiting for them to call back (and she's getting more and more full of anxiety) they said, "We'll have you come in tomorrow." Do you know how frustrating that is? I mean, I know they have other patients, but the doctor didn't want her to reschedule (on her own doing) because it would throw everything off. But now the secretaries can just reschedule her for whenever? She's planning a road trip the couple days after her last treatment (we hope) and they better not say she has to postpone her last chemo because of this mix up. It will throw off the schedule for everyone completely.

Like I said before, she lost her hair. But, to be fair in documenting this whole thing, it wasn't ALL of her hair on her head. She actually had a few tufts around her ears and near her neck. So, what to do... what to do... We pondered this and after oh, a minute or so, she asked her husband to "just shave it all off". I was so worried about his reaction to seeing her without hair. I mean, I had seen her in the bathroom, but he hadn't seen her yet. What I didn't know what that he had seen the huge amount of hair in the trash can. He got the idea then. It's just that actually Seeing it is different. Anyway, so he has this shop out in the garage that he calls home. Lots of tools and gizmos and different "guy" stuff. Kinda not interesting in my opinion, but hey, I'm a girl. So, mom gets a chair, his electric razor, and sits down in the middle of the table sander and the electric table saw. What a momentous occasion. I asked before I took the pictures because I didn't want mom to think I was a strange person or anything... she said I was Way before this, so what surprise is that! lol (She still has a sense of humor anyway!) You'll see the pictures of the day my mom shaved her head. She's got a few stubble left, but for the most part, she looks like Kojak's little sister. Her husband was so kind after he shaved the hair off - he used the power air hose to blow the hair off her head, shoulders and such. He did it from the back and I have to say, out of all this garbage that's going on, to see my mom's ears flapping forwards and her scalp do the wave, was quite the funny looking thing! I guess her hair begins to grow back right before each treatment. Probably looks like a cactus of sorts... I'll help her shave it until she's done with the

It happened. I knew it would. I thought I was prepared.
She came out of the shower and opened the door.
Wrapped in a towel was my beautiful mom.
All her hair was in the bottom of the tub.
When I say it was a shock, I mean I sucked in air and felt a bit faint.
I started crying. I didn't mean to... I just did. She cried too.
We hugged for a while. Still, I hadn't seen her head yet because it was wrapped up in a towel.
As I prepared myself to look at it, mom said, "This is good. This means I'm going to get better."
Then the towel came off.
I've read so many blogs and articles about people undergoing treatments and how their hair falls out, but no one really puts the actual moment into words. It's terrible, horrifying, and it just plain sucks.
But, at the same time I was in awe. She has such a positive attitude. I hope I can be like her.
We did all this before church this morning. I went to church sporting red-rimmed eyes. She came to church sporting her new wig. She looked beautiful! I mean, really. She smiled and greeted people and sang and listened. I'm telling you, it was amazing. Then, she decided to hang around afterwords and wanted to visit with people and have coffee!
I personally would have run home (if I would have gone out at all) and cried some more.
Anyway, we shall see what this afternoon brings...

The debate is still on. Shave or not. For the past two mornings, she's asked me to comb through her hair and get the "loose" ones. Well, mom, pretty much, they're all loose. Yesterday, I got a pretty decent amount out. This morning, I got probably that much plus a bit more. However, yesterday it was only coming out the top of her head. Today I could "pull" the hair out at the nape of her neck. Didn't even hurt her. No resistance. Big amounts at a time. She asked if it looked alright. Well, mom, yes it does - pretty much. I mean, you've always had really, really thick hair. Now you just look like all the other women that have thin hair. You can see your scalp in some places but you still have pretty much even hair coverage. However, I don't know if I can say that too much longer. She just came in here and said, "You'll tell me when I have to wear a cap or something so I don't look ugly" - or something like that. Oh my goodness mom - you can never look ugly! But yes, I'll tell you. I wonder what she's going to be thinking the first time she wears a wig out in public. Will she be thinking, "I wonder if they can tell?" or "This is too hot" or "I wanna go home" or... Will she even go out? I don't know. I have a feeling that will be next week though. The vacuum is going to be getting a work out. Plus, hair in our food? Yeah, well, 1. It's mom's, 2. It's clean, 3. We didn't pay for the meal, 4. what's a little extra fiber?, and 5. Mom always puts her EVERYTHING in her love for cooking!

She apologized for asking me for asprin. She says she doesn't want to take it from my supply. Dear God. I'd give her every thing I have if she needed/wanted it.

There's so much hair coming out now. It's quite amazing to see her hair coming out by the hundreds, yet she's still got a full head of hair. It's thinning, but still there. I don't know if it will last like that or if she'll go bald. She says it's not bothering her. It's bothering me though. My mom is supposed to look a certain way. I don't want her to change. She's doing this whole thing for her family. I love her for that. Selfless and amazingly strong. She's having a good day today. :)

This whole hair thing is up in the air. She has her hair still. Last time she went to the doctor, she mentioned that her scalp hurt and the doc said that that's a sign that her hair will fall out really soon. Well, I see a few more hairs on her shirt and pillow than before, but for the most part, she's got a full head of hair. She was going to shave it all off last week because it hurt so bad but she changed her mind. Then she was going to have it cut really, really short so that when it fell out, it wouldn't be so bad, but then she changed her mind. I hope it doesn't come out in chunks.

I guess when everything is going well, there's not a lot to write about. So, I haven't said much. I do know that mom's hair is hurting. Actually, where the hair meets the scalp is what hurts. She said she actually can't wait until it falls out if it's going to hurt that much.
To update the hospital incident, she was fine. She just had stomach pain so severe that she couldn't stand up. They took good care of her and she was able to come home after five hours. But, because of the chemo treatments, her veins aren't that great. They tried and tried to give her saline but the iv wouldn't work. She's so bruised up still!
Anyway, today is her second treatment. After this, she'll be half way done. The thing is, it's taking so long. It's supposed to only take about two hours, but we're going on four. I can't go in there and see why. I hope there are no complications. I just worry and worry.
When she gets over being sick the three or four days after the treatment, she is basically "normal". She gets tired, but other than that, not too bad. I hope it continues that way.

Had to call 9-1-1 today. Mom couldn't stop throwing up. Her whole body was wracked in pain and throwing up. Finally they came. Side effect of the pain meds they gave her for the surgery had plugged her up in her bowels. Guess that made her sick too. Anyway, they took care of her at the hospital and sent her home. She weighs ten pounds less but feels a little better. I'm tired of her feeling bad and this up and down roller coaster.

I guess she'll have a few bad days after the chemo and then feel better the other days. I just don't know why it had to happen to her at all. She takes good care of herself. I mean, the docs say she's got bones of a young woman and she takes/eats antioxidants and all sorts of healthy stuff. I just don't get it. It's not fair. She's got a good attitude and fighting. That's my mom.

She got really sick last night. Yesterday when we went back to the doc for the "shot" that rebuilds her bones (or something like that) she mentioned that she really wasn't feeling that bad. The nurse said just wait, it will hit on the second or third day. Well, it did. I want to take it away from her. She doesn't do "sick" well.

This is mom trying on wigs. It was a quick snapshot because I was running around after a 14 month old at the same time. It's amazing how wigs have gotten so much better since I remember them in the 70's. They FEEL good and LOOK great! So realistic!
Hey mom, wanna try the one on that's behind you?!

Well, she made it through the surgery fine and the first chemo relatively well. I mean, she had some sick feelings a few times, but over all, pretty good. I didn't expect that. Actually, I was picturing her over the toilet like a person going through withdrawal from drugs or like in the movies a long time ago when they showed people going through medical procedures and throwing up all the time. Glad we live in a time and place we do...

I guess they're putting in mom's port right now. This is the 3rd surgery in a few months. Right after that they're going to give her the first dose of Chemo. Seems kind of mean to do that to her right away, but I guess they do that there.
I'm scared. I mean, each surgery is scary enough. Now she's very worried about all those medicines in her system when she can't hardly handle aspirin. I'm worried too. I think we'll see most of the pain and suffering here at home. I hope she can handle all that.
I want to be tough for her, but at the same time, I want to sleep through the next four months plus.

I don't want to think about Monday. I'm not the one going through all the pain and horrible things that mom is physically, but I feel it still. So, I'm trying to distract myself by doing all sorts of things so I don't have to think about it. There will be times I won't be able to do that and I'll just have to look at things as they are... sucky. She says that won't we all be surprised at how well she handles all of it. Yes. Yes I will, but I sure hope that's the case. I hope *I* handle it well... I need to be there for her.

This is just going to be my place for ramblings about what's currently going on. Lots of really neat stuff, but some tough stuff too.